Toxic Career Advice Women in Tech Say to Ignore

There’s no shortage of advice out there for how women can advance their careers, and a lot of it is bad. That’s because even the most well-intentioned and successful people can find themselves offering career advice shaped by conventional gender norms or advocating for finding ways to navigate a sexist system as opposed to taking it down. Unfortunately, spotting this bad advice right away can be difficult.

This brand of career advice, at first glance, can sometimes look as if it’s equally applicable to men and women. For example, “work hard and good things will come” may sound benign. But as Tracy Ou, director of FP&A for Harry’s notes, it hits differently for women than men.

“Women — generalizing here — have a tendency to stay quiet and make assumptions about being noticed or heard in the workplace, often erring on the side of waiting rather than self-promoting at the risk of seeming pushy,” Ou said. “I found this to be bad advice because it pushed me further into a tendency I already had at the time, which was not to speak up.”

Even trite career advice can be harmful to a woman’s career. To find out what other seemingly innocuous but actually bad advice is currently in circulation, Built In New York reached out to Ou and six other women in NYC tech and asked for the worst career advice they’ve been given or myths they’ve heard, along with how they’d reframe this advice so that it’s actually helpful.

 

 

What’s a career “myth” that women hear a lot that they’d be better off ignoring?

Most of my career has been spent in a male-dominated industry where I often felt left out of the “boys’ club.” My male leaders and peers would spend hours together in the office and then often meet afterward for drinks with no invites extended to their female colleagues. I found it intimidating and unfair that they were using exclusive social access to help influence and grow their own careers.

As a woman, I understand the link between professional networking and career advancement, but I let the myth that I had to be a part of these specific outings if I wanted to advance bleed into reality. However, over time I learned that wasn’t true and that I could use alternative networking channels to build those same types of beneficial social relationships.  

Now, I try to get to know my colleagues personally and I choose to be a part of formal networking groups to learn and grow from others. I surround myself with people who support me. Most importantly, I ask for help when needed — from my manager, from my mentor and from anyone in the support system I’ve developed who will help me to achieve my career goals.
 

Surround yourself with people who support you in business and in life.”
 

How would you reframe that advice in a way that’s more helpful?

Relationships are important in advancing your career, so build them. Look for opportunities to network. If you don’t have any established networks within your company, start something! Surround yourself with people who support you in business and in life and be vocal with them on your intentions to advance your career.

 

What’s the worst career advice you’ve received? 

In a prior role, I was told to “be patient” and that people would always notice and reward me in due time. When I was given this advice, multiple teammates around me were being promoted off-cycle due to extraordinary circumstances like departures, while I was told over and over again that no exceptions were allowed. Women — generalizing here — have a tendency to stay quiet and make assumptions about being noticed or heard in the workplace, often erring on the side of waiting rather than self-promoting at the risk of seeming pushy. 

I found this to be bad advice because it pushed me further into a tendency I already had at the time, which was not to speak up. Look, sometimes the right amount of patience does pay off and other times it doesn’t. You have the best read on your own professional situation and your risk tolerance and job satisfaction.
 

In a prior role, I was told to “be patient” and that people would always notice and reward me in due time.”

How would you reframe that advice in a way that’s more helpful?

Whatever the situation, if you don’t speak up and explicitly share what’s important to you — from a growth, work-life balance or a reward perspective — then your manager won’t know that it matters. Managers aren’t mind readers and can’t address what they are not made aware of. Sometimes, assumptions even go in the opposite direction: For example, some women may want to step back from work at certain points in their career while others prefer to lean in, even as a parent. Assumptions shouldn’t be made in either case.

Often, a straightforward conversation leads to the discovery that maybe there is more to grow into or a near-term solution to address your concern. Other times, there just isn’t a long-term fit in both directions, but you realize that earlier than later. That can be OK, too. However, if you never have the conversation in the first place, you’re doing a disservice to yourself and possibly your company. You can bet your male colleagues are probably having those conversations!

 

What’s the worst career advice you’ve received?

It boils down to: avoid taking risks. I’ve heard, “You work for a good company and are crazy to leave” or, “Take the job that is offering you the most money, even if it’s not the job you want.” If you are in a position where you have the privilege to choose a path that you believe is right for you, then go for it.

People with a lot of work experience often try to shield younger people from making bad career decisions. And it comes from a good place. They have learned the hard way. But looking back, the “risks” I have taken have led me to where I am — happily — today, and every day I use what I have learned from my previous experiences.
 

If you are in a position where you have the privilege to choose a path that you believe is right for you, then go for it.”
 

How would you reframe that advice in a way that’s more helpful?

Your career is a long and windy path. If you feel you need to make a change or you want to go in a different direction, trust your instinct. And instead of ignoring all advice, get lots of advice. Find people you respect and ask them questions about how they navigated turning points in their career. Understand what was at play and what was important to them at the time when they made a big decision or chose a certain path. Then decide what’s right for you. Even if someone is telling you what you are doing is risky, you’ve done the work to understand the risks and can decide what is most important.

 

What’s the worst career advice you’ve received?

I think it would have to be: “You’re supposed to leave work at work and home at home.” While there are some elements of truth to this, it can often be taken too far out of context. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves as women to always be “on” even when we’re struggling on the personal front and think it’s never OK to be vulnerable or let people see a personal side of you for fear of being judged. In my experience, it’s those honest, raw exchanges with colleagues that lets them in a bit and allows them to truly see your best qualities. It builds trust, allows people to meet you where you’re at and gives you the freedom and permission to then bring those same qualities into your work and leadership, such as empathy and compassion. 

For example, when you share your exhaustion as a parent or push back a deadline due to a family obligation, it signals that we’re allowed to set boundaries and deserve the opportunity to create balance between our personal and professional lives. It also sets a great positive example for other female employees. I am very grateful to have colleagues and leadership that support this mentality at Dailymotion.
 

It’s those honest, raw exchanges with colleagues that lets them in a bit and allows them to truly see your best qualities.”

How would you reframe that advice in a way that’s more helpful?

I believe it was Oprah who said: “Be responsible for the energy you bring to a room.” We all have our personal struggles. But we should be mindful of the difference between letting someone see your personal side and pulling everyone around you into your personal issues. No one wants to be around someone who is constantly complaining. This is very heavy, draining energy that can have a negative impact on productivity and morale. It sets the tone that nothing anyone does is ever good enough, which is the exact opposite of the message you want to send.

Ideally, you’d find the right moments to share struggles in a way that allows you to empathize with others or perhaps offer advice so that your fellow colleagues or direct reports feel seen and heard. Conversely, if you know you have a strong yet uplifting presence, you should be aware of how to use it for good. Adtech can be a grueling industry, and we all need to prioritize those moments of honest, human interaction and be mindful of where we can infuse some positivity. This is exactly how we weathered the storm of the pandemic at Dailymotion.

 

What’s the worst career advice you’ve received?

The worst career advice I’ve heard is: Don’t question your superiors and just focus on providing them with what they ask for. So many times I was told to just stay quiet and produce the work that was expected of me, even if I did not agree with it. Having a voice is important and showcases your analytical, critical thinking and leadership skills. Your superiors, believe it or not, actually want you to disagree with them sometimes. It shows that you have an opinion and are not just agreeing to agree.
 

When you feel strongly about a topic, project or decision, get curious about understanding why a decision is being made one way or another.”

How would you reframe that advice in a way that’s more helpful?

When you feel strongly about a topic, project or decision, get curious about understanding why a decision is being made one way or another. Ask questions and speak up when you disagree. Be prepared to back up your statement and offer alternative options to resolve or push forward. I’ve been able to shape programs, policies and project decisions by speaking up.

 

What’s the worst career advice you’ve received? 

Early in my career, I did not hit my sales quota and was subsequently advised to not pursue a career in tech sales because I wasn’t “cut out” for the job. This advice negatively impacted me at the time and is something I think about frequently as I hire and onboard new employees. I think this was poor advice for a couple of reasons. First off, before giving out any career advice, it is important to understand the individual’s strengths, motivation and mindset. Also, I do not believe a few struggles or challenges faced early on in a person’s career are indicators of what that individual is capable of long term.

If people are coached and supported appropriately, they can exceed their own career expectations. When I found a mentor later in my career who encouraged a growth mindset and helped me play to my strengths, my sales career seemed to fall into place. Ironically, the discouraging advice I received early on has contributed to my professional development as a more empathetic leader in the exact same career path that I was told I would not be successful in. I look back on the bad advice I received years ago and smile knowing I’ve built a career in customer success, account management and sales in tech.
 

Before giving out any career advice, it is important to understand the individual’s strengths, motivation and mindset.”
 

How would you reframe that advice in a way that’s more helpful?

Rather than advise someone that a handful of failures indicate that they should rethink their whole career path, I would lead with empathy by acknowledging the person is going through a rough patch, get clarity on the specific challenge and then offer support and resources to help them succeed. At PitchBook, we’re all about helping our clients win. That mindset applies to our team members, too.

Given the challenges I faced early in my career, I value the way my company and organization prioritize every employee’s professional growth and celebrate team and individual accomplishments. Overall, if we truly want to see people succeed in their chosen career paths, we should do our best to understand and support their individual professional development needs.

 

What’s the worst career advice you’ve received? 

There’s a good bit of well-meaning advice out there that would have you spend a lot of time on personal branding and cultivating a social media presence. While it’s certainly a good idea to have a presentable and up-to-date resume or a professional homepage, there’s no need to be a professional blogger and podcaster in addition to pursuing your primary calling.

It’s OK to not have something to say to the general public three times a week. You do not need a content marketing campaign in order to get recognized or have a meaningful career. Being active on social media has nothing to do with being a good technologist and consumes a lot of time you might prefer to spend learning or building something.
 

Make sure you are valuing spending time understanding and contributing to engineering above fulfilling an influencer role.”

 

How would you reframe that advice in a way that’s more helpful?

I believe that more people should write privately, just for themselves, and delay publishing until they have spent a significant amount of time developing their thoughts. Deeper levels of engagement with an intellectual challenge are 100 times more meaningful to me when I seek to hire someone for an engineering role than simply the optics that they are regularly reading insider news sites. Making content can be rewarding and fun, but make sure you are valuing spending time understanding and contributing to engineering above fulfilling an influencer role.